Disjointed, Will life ever start?

Well hubby is sleeping peacefully. Lucy at is back, and Jaxon at the foot of the bed. They are both Cocker Spaniels, but Lucy is 1/2 the size of Jaxon and a year older. Lucy looks just like the Coppertone dog that was on their bottle for years.


Anyway, I've had a weird couple of days, and my thoughts are quite disjointed. My mother has been busy though, and I discovered that I must be very careful as to what I say to Hubby about it. You see, my mother is a very unique person. She could make most bullies cry. She's a game player, and a planner. I'm not a game player. I never have been. I just can't keep up. I can't out think them, and that part of it scares me. I just can't wait people out and plan what I will do to them, then carry it out. I think that's mean. My brother can do it, I know LOTS of people that can do it, in fact that's the kind of personality that I've always been drawn to. I've always had a friend that's been just like my mother. Not quite sure why. Only one has survived though all of these years, and that's probably because I never see her. People like my mother just frustrate me. I just want to scream at them,


"Why can't you just STOP!!!".................... but I know they wouldn't, and in fact they usually look at you and say,


"I don't understand what you're talking about"..............but they do and it only leaves you wondering about your own sanity, so it's pointless.


Don't they understand what they do to us?? Well Hubby has a lot of qualities that my mother does, only he isn't destructive. It just means that he can figure her out. He never plays games with me, he loves working with me, and hates it when we are apart. In fact, he LOVES to make me happy and tries very hard to give me anything I want. Except Dd. I think he's having trouble getting into the whole concept. I'd literally have to do something HUGE to get into trouble. And I don't really know what he thinks is disrespect. Some things I say he just takes the wrong way, because he doesn't really listen to what I said, or doesn't understand what I mean. Or he doesn't give me the credit I deserve in understanding a situation and reacting properly.


Example:


First the History: My youngest daughter (we'll call her K)


1) Grandmother spent years spoiling K to the point that she always must be the centre of attention, doesn't understand that you will have an opinion about her behaviour and that you are entitled to it, and is just taking baby steps at 18 to learn how to take responsibility for her own actions.


2) Grandmother has always tried to take my place as her mother, and won’t stop trying to BE K's mother. She discusses inappropriate topics with her that defiantly fall under the category of 'parental territory', won’t stop having 'teaching moments' with K where she lectures as if she were K's mother even though I've asked her to please stop, and has taught K the game of making the adults around her out bid each other for her affection and attention. Hubby and I opted out of that game right from the start.


3) Has taught K to observe NO personal boundaries with other people. Just do what you want, whatever pops into your pretty little head, say what you want, and don't stop when people ask you to unless you want to.


This particular incident took place on the way to my aunts funeral. Grandma had told K the day before that there was going to be a funeral about 2hrs. out of town, and that they were going in the van. K asked Grandma for a ride. K phoned me and told me, and since Hubby couldn't go, I asked my mother to pick me up as well. This made for a full van because I knew that Grandma and Grandpa were already taking Sweetpea (my 23yr old daughter) and her little boy (Sweetpea's hubby was working) and my brother. I also told Grandma that I would ask Hubby to take me to K's house early to make sure she was suitably dressed. Grandma said "Oh no, don't do that, if K isn't dressed properly, we'll just leave her behind. She's 18 now and if she doesn't know how to dress, then that's too bad, I guess she'll learn. We'll pick her up first, and if she needs to change, I'll make sure she does or she just won’t go, then we'll come and pick up you."


I thought this was mean and also was my job. At the time, I was on painkillers though, and had a broken arm that had just been set with a plate and 9 screws, so I didn't argue with her. I looked at Hubby and said, "Tomorrow I'll need you to drop me off early at K's house so that I can make sure she's suitably dressed". Hubby said "ok".


Off I went early to K's the next day. She wasn't dressed properly. She made a good attempt, so I gently asked her to show me some of her other clothes, and I helped her dress nicely. Then we had some tea, and I phoned Grandma and told her that I was here with K and she could pick us up together. I got the usual "oh, ok" that means you didn't do things my way but I'll be nice about it.


When they picked us up, I had to sit in the front, because I couldn't move around very well, Sweetpea and son were in the middle, and K got into the back with Grandma (Grandpa was driving). We then went to pick up my brother and he sat in the back with Grandma and K. That's when it started. You see my brother is too much like my mother. Both Grandma and my brother started in on K. They teased her almost to tears about her lip piercings, about why she was getting mad, teased her about her attitude, clothing, it was bad, really REALLY bad. It was worse than the youtube video of the older lady being teased on a school bus by a group of 12 to 13 year olds. I couldn't help her and neither could Sweetpea because they couldn't hear us, but as we listened, K defiantly held her own with Grandma and my brother. It was bad though, and now she was upset. I think Grandma wanted her to be upset so that she would act out, and Grandma could be the 'parent' once again. Instead K stuck like glue to me, and I was able to calm her down. We actually had a nice time. K bothered a few people, but things were relatively ok.


I discussed things with K a few days later, and she said that she was done with Grandma. I found out later that my brother had at least apologised to her after the funeral but not Grandma. Grandma was still behaving like nothing had happened. I spoke to my mother and told her gently that she really did owe K an apology for teasing her the way she did. My mother said that she would take care of it, but kind of brushed it off as no big deal. I told K this but she said that she was sooooo mad, and it was just too late. She was done.  She didn't want to talk to Grandma ever again. So I told her that it was her decision, and that she needed to tell her Grandmother herself, but that she also needed to mind her language, and not be disrespectful. That you can make a decision, but you doen't need to be rude about it, or you would be just as bad as that person you are mad at. She said that she'd try.


She phoned up Grandma, said what she needed to, and hung up. That happened in mid April, so she hasn't talked to Grandma since them.


So........... K phoned me up Monday and said gleefully on the phone that Grandma had phoned her, apologised to her "like 25 times", and took her out for dinner. That's all it took for Ken to go on a tirade. He started yelling at me, so I asked him to please stop. Believe me, I asked him nicely, and reminded him that I hadn't done anything wrong. That just because K is back in her life, doesn't mean that I am, and that I will make sure I am very careful about the information that K hears from me about our life and what we are doing. Then he stomped off and cooled off.


Yesterday I picked up K and took her to pick up her pets at her friend’s house. K told me that during the dinner she had with Grandma, she (my mother) said that she no longer had a problem with her lip piercings, and that she understood that K smoked pot and that that was ok with her. She just wanted her granddaughter back in her life.


So now suddenly it’s was all good with her?? Smoking pot has NEVER been ok with my mother. (this means Hubbby and I are the ONLY ones telling her she needs to quite smoking it ) EVER. And suddenly her lip piercings don't bother her, hmmmmmmm, I smell a rat. Someone is lying here. I asked her what else Grandma had said. She told me that according to Grandma, I freaked out on her the last time we talked, and then hung up on her. This didn't happen. My mother was soo sure that I would have a problem with what she did concerning my son, that by the time I called her, she started yelling at me. I had to raise my voice to be heard over her, told her that she was obviously having a full blown tantrum, so I was hanging up now, and hung up. And I did. So since then my parents won’t talk to me.


Verdict:


She has successfully removed me from her life so that she can now do as she pleases with my children, while telling people it's all my fault. Now she won’t have anyone holding her accountable for her actions, even a little, and I guess she figures (just speculating here) that she can also make me compete for K's attention. I have two words for ya. WON'T WORK!!!! I don't get into other peoples stuff, especially if I suspect that they are playing games with each other. And I think that is what is happening here. And I have a great relationship with my Sweetpea, so she can't go there. I may not be able to play games well, but I have become a master at staying out of them. Knowing the power of walking away, and saying.........,


"If you want to play a game, I'm out. I'll talk to you later when you're ready"


So my relationship with K will go back to being a little more guarded. K will get burned by Grandma again, so she will be back with more wounds, but I won’t compete. I'll bandage her up, put her back on her feet, and try to help her start to grow up again. So stay tuned, because I can see a duzy coming.


Thanks for stopping by!!